Week 1: Get started while still strong. Plot logistics, fetch supplies. Lowe’s: rope, chain, padlocks, duct tape. Mr. S Leather: ball-gag, bit-gag, blindfold, handcuffs, paddle, flogger. Kroger: condoms, lube. Firing range: hone skills. Week 2: Stalk/chloroform/kidnap Tim McGraw. Cover tracks! Carry off to remote mtn. cabin/love nest. Weeks 2-3: Use Tim thoroughly/gently/frequently. Men, like stallions, need broken in. Feed well. Cuddle and coddle. Dote, adore. (Paddle/flog resistance.) Menu for a Well-Behaved Captive: Lots of Dickel (mint julep? Sazerac?). Fancy cheeses—Humboldt Fog? Camembert? Cambozola? Champignon? Dinner: barbequed ribs, cole slaw, cornbread, collards. Dessert? Pie! Coconut cream. Shoo-fly. Pecan. Breakfast? Krispy Kreme doughnuts! Sausage biscuits! (Fuck the calories, man. You’re dying.) Weeks 4-40: Continue passionate use, increasingly vigorous. Savor, savor. 39 weeks together hardly sufficient, despite looming deadline. Buy cream of coconut, wildflower honey: best lapped off body hair. Vary menu to keep captive happy: fried chicken, pasta carbonara, Rinderrouladen, eggplant Parmesan, cheese enchiladas, moussaka, Cajun bread pudding/rum sauce, Key lime pie. Last Night Together: Split bottle of champagne. Demand performance: “Please Remember Me”/”Live Like You Were Dying” (accompany on guitar). Release in vicinity of Nashville. (Tuck apology to wife in underwear.) Weeks 41-43: Take advantage of Nashville location. Carpe diem! More hot country music stars! Abduct/savor/ravish/release Chris Cagle. Hone skills at firing range. Weeks 44-45: Abduct/savor/ravish/release Jason Aldean. Firing range. Week 46: Abduct/savor/ravish/release Zac Brown. Firing range. Week 47: Abduct/savor/ravish/release Chris Young. Firing range. Week 48: Abduct/savor/ravish/release Toby Keith. Keep mouth taped at all times. Goddamn conservative! Heavy flogging required. Firing range. Week 49: Regretfully relinquish love. Buy guns, ammo, whetstone. Sharpen knives/swords. Firing range. Week 50: Execute plague of crazy fuckers, i.e., prominent Republicans, Christian fundamentalists. Cf. Southern phrase: “They needed killin’.” Week 51: Execute more of same. Plentiful as roaches/fleas/earthworms! Week 52: Execute more of same. Save Confederate Bowie knife for most loathsome. Last Day: Feel heroic/mythic. Snarf final Krispy Kreme. Leave suicide note (in blank verse), journal (for historians), money (for cremation/black granite obelisk). Before law arrives, off self in Byronic manner. Mtn.top during thunderstorm! Brandish Viking sword; pray for lightning. Use prosaic pistol/leave unseemly mess if weather proves disobliging.