my girlfriend said, because you said they’re like caterpillars but all I’ve seen are empty leeches so this grooming is a lie. for a fortnight I let everything grow. my armpits were itchy and sweat smeared the make-up above my lip, but my legs were lovely and warm. I ran out of conditioner within days. after a month my eyebrows were fat and dark as burnt sausages. I could not see past them and so my girlfriend had to lead me by the hand. I stopped blinking because it made my eyelashes tangle in my brows. after two months they got so long I could only drink through a straw. I did not need to wear any clothes because my body hair kept me warm. after four months the hair up my nose was long enough to fashion into a ringmaster’s moustache. after six months my girlfriend handed me a razor, scissors, and tweezers. lie to me she said.